Divorce

DIVORCE - TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES
The statistics are staggering if one thinks about them: More than two out of five first marriages end in divorce or separation within 15 years, according to a recent study from the federal government. One in three first marriages dissolve within 10 years, and one in five, within five years. The report finds that the probability of divorce after 10 years was 20% in 1973, and 33% in 1995.

The fallout from divorce is staggering, economically and socially. North Dakota spends major portions of monies as a result of the dissolution of marriage, and the breakdown of family.

Consider foster care, child abuse and neglect investigation, adoption, non-marital births, juvenile delinquency, that are primarily, although not always, the result of either families not forming through marriage in the first place or absent parents due to divorce. Consider the economics: almost everyone can tell “horror” stories of people’s divorces and custody battles and the price of such actions.

The general attitude about government involvement in marriage has for the most part been viewed negatively. “Marriage is a private, family matter. Keep government out.” Ironically, government is already very much in. If you have any doubt, spend time with a family court judge, divorce attorney or any number of people who work with families. According to Jerry Regier, Secretary of Health and Human Services for the state of Oklahoma, “It is not a matter of whether the government should be involved...they already ARE involved. The question is more 'what role should government play to restore, promote, and honor the institution of marriage so that marriages will flourish and be strong?'"

At a recent national marriage conference, a family court judge from Michigan, Judge Helen Brown had this to say. “If you want strangers from the government, through its court representative, to tell you when you can see your child, how much money you should send them each month, how and when you can communicate, and how to divide the assets of our marriage then file for divorce. But if you want to deep the government out of your life...then stay married.”

Oklahoma has boldly set its goal to decrease by one-third the divorce rate in that state by the year 2010. They have taken a “multi-sector” approach. These seven sectors are community service providers, educators, business, media, religious, government and legal. Oklahoma’s Governor Frank Keating has taken a vital leadership role in these plans and strategies, cutting across party lines and finding support among many politicians.

Some communities have seen reductions in divorce. In Modesto, California, divorce has been cut by 47% in 15 years. Simultaneously the marriage rate has increased. Michael McManus, President and Co-Chair (with his wife Harriet) of the national church-based Marriage Savers Program has been credited with helping local churches organize to create a “community marriage policy” which focuses on premarital training and couple mentoring.

It is now known that children of divorce or non marital births are more likely to experience learning problems, are three times more likely to become pregnant as teens, six-fold more likely to commit suicide and twelve times more likely to be incarcerated.

Divorce is not always avoidable and is necessary especially in cases where there is and kind of violence and abuse. Therapists see far too many couples who decide to see a professional, but only when it’s too late. Most avoid obtaining any help at all. If caught in time, many of these conflicted couples find great help and often a “new couple life” from therapy and relationship education. These skills can change marital relationships. The research is in so to speak. The goal is to normalize the attitude of “learning relationships,” so that like most things of value, maintenance is required.

Some professional in the mental health and human service fields in North Dakota are interested in what Oklahoma and other states have done to strengthen families. We are working together to help develop strategies for our region and state. For more information please contact me at tmjohnsonmsw@aol.com or consult the websites: www.smartmarriages.com or www.divorceresourcecenter.com